bet this is gonna be a real
long entry.

firstly,not to be forgotten.
happy twentieth birthday jina.
a birthday treat i owe you;
and also an apology.

i apologise to those whom i
didnt pick up your calls or
even reply your messages;i
hasnt been myself and i just
wish to be alone,guess i
needed that.
i miss li ping.

god knows when,since i decided
to make a mess of everything;
to a point where even myself
doesnt know where to pick
things up.

those thoughts i had in my
mind just needed to be piece
up into a clearer picture to
myself.
ive been running away;when did
i become such an escapist,or
have i always been like that?

very recently,i remembered this
night where i smsed ginny with
those words i longed to tell her.
to my sister whom i love very
much too.
didnt msg eileen,because i thought
she understood in a way for how
she have always expressed herself
to me.
just a simple msg from ginny
comforted me a lot,
'not at all silly.'
it did bring back one third of
me back.

i have my mischievous,i have my
obstinate,its the way i am.
i always have my way,i always
have everything i wanted aint it?
somewhere somehow,i gave things up
for a reason.
not because i dont want my blood
ties,i just wanted my way,that
mylife kind of thing.

somehow,one of them changed my one
of my perspectives again.
again,which i will choose to live
a different way i thought i would;
and time will tell if i am really
that stubborn.

in this family,ive seen the way
my sisters had to grow up.
they ensure that i dont follow
certain steps they made,and gave
me the things daddy mummy didnt
give them when they were at my
age,theyve been through the things
i dont have to go through.
because im the youngest.
but if they have realised,if i dont
go through those certain things i
have to,in my life.

nicky may not remember what she
wrote in this christmas card she
gave me before;prolly two years ago.
about how overwhelming it can be
with my strong attitude towards
certain things in life,despite of
that,she encourage me to keep it
that way,am i still?

im always in search for some answer.
an answer i know i will never get.
because this is just life.

from someones blog ive found,an
extract of this wheel of life.

without a good balance,its hard
to stay on with our wheel of life;
i. physical
ii. mental
iii. spiritual
iv. financial
v. family
vi. social
vii. career

what do i have with this wheel
of life?
physical for everybody,looks,
dressing,luxurious items.
spa,retail therapy,mani- pedi-
cures,facials,anything to pamper
ourselves.
mentally,i was drained out and
there was this time i finally
brokedown,which definitely made
a whole lot of people worried
about me.
i have to admit i didnt know
what have got into me.
spiritually;whats inside again?
financially;this is the worse
part,and now i just have to
find my way in this area till
certain things permit.
family;ive screwed it,but still,
bloodties will never leave us.
im still at good old twenty,still
behaving foolishly i know,maybe
because im the youngest.
they all give in to me whenever
i go crazy and start throwing
tantrums unnecessarily.
social;my weird character,only
mingle well as my mood is right.
did a personality test and my
anti-social disorder is pretty
high actually.
finally its career,the biggest
headache inside me,somehow i
made a wrong choice in the course
im studying.
yet it seems like this is my
only option.

life is tiring as it is,let alone
talk about the other end of this
wheel of life where people are out
to outdo one another somewhere in
other areas.
who will raise that white flag
publicly and concede defeat or,
who will proudly announce to the
world that they have done a good
job.

a good old twenty i am,this day
aint it because i know theres
still a long way to go.
my life was set out the way i
wanted since secondary school
days,yet they aint the same
as what im looking at right now.
for the past three years,i cant
handle what ive sowed,they aint
what im supposed to reap.

through it all,the once i know
von was kinda ambitious and
always charging forward like a
crazy woman,as long as i get it.
because no matter how fickle
minded i get,im stubborn.
but right now ive realised how
fragile i can get,even if ive
made up my mind,i might back
out again.

a realistic world it is,ive
always wanted to divorce with
this real world.
no,prolly i did before,but at
that point of time i aint being
realistic enough.
with the things set out in life,
i wanted to do something really
stupid just for once,yet i know
the consequences is something i
can hardly bear;i cant afford to.
this is how sane we all have
to be.

imagined if i had really quit
school at that point of time,
i must be nuts.
to break down that seven areas
of wheel of life,darn,more areas
to look into aint it.

i like the tagline m1 has for
itself,one life,live it.
yet this one life,the mistakes
we make just once might just
waste a lot of our time,by the
time we realise it,we have just
grown older by god knows how
many years.
its not about the regrets,its
about giving up the money cant
buy.

time is such a stealer,it steals
the things we gave a missed and
we might never get it back.
the things we neglected,not even
to realise how much people around
us have aged.
even mistakes we recognised,they
cannot be reversed yet we just
have to face it,how do we deal
with it.

each day is just like years passing
by,so much things we have to get
done within a day.
ive spent many days knowing that
ive to get certain things done,yet
i gave it a pass knowing that its
just my holidays,my thoughts aint
right to move on with the list of
things i have in hand.

till ive reached the finishing
line of those goals ive set out
in the next five years of my
journey down the road.

im prolly done with this entry,
i know i need to speak to some
people personally with details,
till im ready to face it all.